Horror-Fail Friday Part 2

old writing (3)

**Horror-Fail Friday is a blog where I go back and share some of my early writing with you and include my reactions in italics alongside the unedited document. When I say “unedited”, it means I’ve left in spelling errors, poor grammar, and ridiculous plot devices. Be prepared to delve into the horror that is middle school age writing.**

Today, we’re continuing with chapter 2 of “Rising to Escape” a dumb techno thriller that I tried to write back in 6th or 7th grade. So far, police officer Samantha Bynes, recovering from the death of her partner (who was hit by a motorcycle), discovers that the nuclear missile codes have been stolen via fax from the police department. I’d repeat that sentence but I have a feeling that certain parts of my brain will shut down if I do. Due to the idiocy of a rookie cop, they discover that the thief snuck in through the roof. Upon realizing this, Samantha concludes she is a useless human being and cannot do anything right. Now, onto our new character…who’s life is somehow worse than Samantha’s.

On we go.

Chapter 2

Andrew Ching pulled his Harley Davidson up outside the Lotus Restaurant. (Oh no.) He had just put in a full days work and polished his new motercycle. Andrew pushed in the doors he said “Reservation for Ching?”

“Yes, I will take you to your table.” said the wader.

Andrews seat was at the corner of the resteraunt. It included red leathered cushon seats and a teak wooded table. (Leathered? Wooded?)

“Ready to order.” the wader asked. (Geez, give the guy a minute to look at the menu…)

“I will have some shrimp and rice and some mogogypan.” he ordered.

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“Yes sir, it will be ready in 20 min..” the wader assured. () So Andrew waited and waited. He took out a pen and drew pictures of dragons on the back of the food mat. It finally came steaming hot and in little cardboard cups complete with chopsticks. (Why did it come in cardboard cups if he was eating at the restaurant?) He ate slowly and took his food home that he didn’t eat.

He drove up to his little house. The stained glass windows reflected the fushia pink against the polished frame of the motorcycle and the chimney puffed out the thick dence smoke. (Do they live in a church? Also, thick and dense basically mean the same thing.) He stepped through the doors and a sushi smell came to his nose. (Must be some strong-ass sushi…)

His wife Sue-Lang pulled her long black hair into a bun and said, “I’m making flavored rice and white rice and sushi. It’s already on the table bring those in and I will reheat them.” (Why did he order out if she was already making dinner?)

“Allright honey.” Andrew promised.

Andrew had no children but his wife and him had an intermediate relationship. (…A what?) 2 nights ago she just snapped. The pressure had been too much and Sue Lang couldn’t take much more of this annoying man she lived with so she filed suit for a divorce. (…WHAT? WHAT PRESSURE? She’s divorcing him because he’s annoying?) It would take place that night. (Fast work, legal system.) Andrew tried his best to win her heart back but the decision was already made. They sat at opposite ends of the table chewing their food quietly. Andrew tried to raise a conversation about his new motercycle but his idea just wasn’t enough. (Maybe not the best topic to talk about, ANDREW.)

After dinner, Sue-Lang took the car to court and Andrew took the bike. (They couldn’t carpool for this one thing?) The trial lasted for what seemed like hours to both of them. (Trial?) Then it was over. Sue-Lang got the house. Andrew took all of his possesions and rode his motercycle to the airport. (He must not have had very much…) He didn’t want to converse with anyone; he was too choked up. He bought his ticket and climbed aboard American Airlines. (Uh oh.) He was headed to the land that would give him freedom from China, America.

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Hold on.

That whole thing was supposed to have taken place in China?

Good God.

So, the events of this chapter had absolutely no bearing on the events of the last chapter. Here we have a man clearly in love with his new motorcycle (and moo goo gai pan) who has been divorced by his wife because he’s too annoying to live with. After being divorced in a record two day period, he hops on a plane with all of his two possessions and decides to move to America. Sure. Great plan. Let’s find out how that ties into missing nuclear missile codes in Chapter 3 next week…maybe?

Until then,

KSilva

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