Welcome back to the next entry in my latest OLD Writing segment for Horror-FAIL Friday. Last week, we began a new and terrifyingly terrible tale featuring Jay Russel, a work-a-holic secret agent who is going on his first vacation in seven years. Of all the places he’s decided to venture, he chooses the majestic and plainly named Snow Inn in Vermont and goes there along with gal pal, Alice, who is, so far, the most obnoxious female character I’ve ever written. After climbing three floors and hefting enough luggage to last them a year, they find their luxurious hotel room where they decide to immediately fall asleep. And now let’s return and begin a new day with our pathetic protagonists…
The next day, Jay and Alice got up early in the morning and went for a ski on one of the mountains. [A ski? Did they lose one somewhere?] The adrenaline pumped out of there bodies. [Ewwww…] The fear and stress built up in Alice. [What kind of skiing are they doing?] Jay was not afraid. He had tangled with worse dangers than this. This was no different. [Than what? Why is skiing so incredibly dangerous on the Snow Inn ski slope?]
Still climbing, they found a good spot to start from. Alice and Jay put on there boots and skis. [Why aren’t their boots already on? Did they hike up in their socks?] Alice started. She skiied down the mountain, criss-crossing in every which way. [How exciting.] She showd off on jumps by spinning and summersaulting in the air. [You don’t “somersault” in the air. You flip. And since when is Alice an Olympic Gold Medal skiier?] Jay was not amused.
He could do that and better. [Jay is a jealous asshole.] He started to ski. He was bored by the little pebbles and thin snow. [Pebbles?] Where was the action, the adventure? [Oh no, he has Michael Bayitis. He’s addicted to explosions and over-the-top action sequences.]
Jay took the jump. Except he landed on his back. [WTF, Jay?] His skis clipped free and he tumbled down the mountain. Jay banged and bruised his body on the sharp rocks that lined the trail. [What sharp rocks? Five seconds ago, there were only pebbles!]
Alice had stopped. She wondered where Jay was. [Look up.] That thought was broken in half as Jay summersaulted down past her.
Jay closed his eyes. His heart was pounding rapidly. He waited and waited for the mountain to end. [Why aren’t you trying to stop yourself?!] The drop finally came. He opened his eyes. His life flashed before him. [Ugh.] He hit the snow with a crack and a puff of snow flew up into the air. [Why did the snow crack? Did he land on a carton of eggs?]
Jay woke up in the room at the hotel. A bad dream, a very bad dream. He saw Alice sleeping next to him. He went to the bathroom and washed his face off. [Umm… off?] 3 A.M. in the morning. [That’s what A.M. means.]
“Arggh,” said Jay. He shut off the light and went back to bed.
At 6:00 A.M., Alice’s alarm went off. [What’s wrong with you? You’re on VACATION!] She bolted up. She shook Jay’s shoulder once or twice and went to the bathroom to take a shower.
Jay rolled over and said “Why me?” [You brought her, dude.] Today they were really going mountain skiing. It would be a lot creepier because it was the real thing. [Why is it creepy? Was I on something when I wrote this? This is like a never-ending nightmare!]
Alice came out of the shower and rubbed her hair. She changed into her wind pants [why not snow pants?] and sweater and heavy coat and produced the skis and ski poles from the closet.
“Let’s go!” she yelled. [Here, the unfortunate teacher who had to read this wrote “in the room?” I feel bad that she had to grade this piece of turd.]
Stay tuned for part 3 of this horrible monstrosity next week on Horror-FAIL Friday!