Welcome back to Horror-FAIL Friday’s My OLD Writing. This is a series which catalogs some of the awful writing I did as a weird teen (often works of fantasy, sci-fi, or horror). I share a piece each week (complete with spelling and grammatical errors), comment on some of the dumb things written, and often include a bit of visual comedy to get my point across. It should be noted that I don’t remember half of this stuff that I wrote and having not looked at it in over ten years, I’ve found myself in complete shock, embarrassment, and, often, in stitches because of it. It’s just too good not to share.
In the current story, we’ve been following sophomore Lila Pullman on her quest to figure out just what the deal is with her mysterious science professor, Mr. McFadden. Witnessing him have an episode of some kind while trying to teach them about CLOUD FORMATIONS in a biology class, she goes to his home in order to dig up some more information. This results in the strangest flirtation scene ever written (unless you include anything from 50 Shades of Grey), and establishes the fact that McFadden is the most incompetent liar in the world. Let’s also throw in the fact that she’s his STUDENT. In a side story, Lila’s best friend, Samus, has also experienced flashbacks to the night his friend, Ross, was murdered. Although he was never there. Or was he? Is Samus a sleepwalking fiend? Or just an overly-anxious conspiracy wing-nut who thinks that McFadden is more than he seems. Let’s join our pathetic protagonists.
Within 20 minutes worth of walking, Lila wished she had taken McFadden up on his offer [to walk her home]. The street was camoflauged in with the trees and the only supposed “lanterns” were that of people’s houses, glowing through the windows. [Woah. First of all, she can’t discern the road from the trees?! Secondly, why is she thinking of lanterns? Did we suddenly get transported back to the Dark Ages? Thirdly, why are houses glowing through windows?]
She shuddered, and continued walking trying to blank out the owl hooting from a hollow tree. The moon was out in its creasent stage, beaming into the forest, seemingly lighting up all of its dark corners. [But isn’t it supposed to be so dark that she can’t tell the road from the trees?]
Hoo, Hoo! The noise startled her from her deep contemplation as she saw the snowy figure pearched nearby.
She could make out the faint outline of a brick facade. But then it wasn’t there. She couldn’t even see her hands when they were right in front of her face. She peered at the night sky; the clouds had covered the moon, fully. [Damn! The clouds are alive… McFadden was right!]
She spun around, confused, not remembering which way was home. [Why did you spin around? You were going in the right direction up until then!] She forgot the compass rutin [oh god] and plunged forward running into the darkness. [Our protagonist is seriously dumb.]
“There’s no place like home…there’s no place like home…” she recited, hoping it would lead her there.
After a few moments of running, she stopped and realized that her eyes had adjusted to the light; mostly. She searched for anything that was a sign of a house or building, and blindly servayed the scene. […What?] And out of the corner of her eye she saw a flashlight seemingly traveling up the road by itself. [Yes. It’s a sentient flashlight, Lila. Good for you.]
“Lila!” A voice called out. Benny. She emerged from the bushes that she had somehow got into and hurried toward the voice. She shrubs russeled [The female shrubs?] as she left them, causing Benny to turn, scared, in her direction.
“Jeesum–Lila! What ‘chu tryin’ to do? Make me jump outa my own skin? What are ya doing out here anywayz?” [What on earth was I thinking when I wrote that…?] He scolded her walking over to her. He shined the light in her face and she squinted briefly before saying, “Give me that” harshly and snatching the flashlight from his shakey hand.
“I just went for a walk, alright.” she said, turning back toward a now visible building. [Visible because of the flashlight? Or visible because the clouds decided to stop being jerks and uncovered the moon?]
“You scared the hell out of Samus and Taylor. Why didn’t you leave a note or something?” he asked curiously. [Ah, yes. Samus and Taylor, protective parent-friends of Lila.]
“Benny, little kids leave notes for there parents, I don’t so let’s just get inside please.” She irratly felt tired and angry that people couldn’t let her show her individuallity. [Um…not really.]
“So what’s his explination?” Benny casually asked, letting her go ahead of him.
“What are you talking about?” Lila tryed to annul the situation almost as casually as he had brought it up. [Annul? WHAT?]
“Mr. M?” he said again. This time, Lila whipped around and let her enragement take over. [Now I’m making up words. Wonderful.]
“Did you mention this to anyone else? If you did, so help me God…” she began, harshly in his face. [Wow. Little intense, Lila.]
“I didn’t tell a single soul, a’right; I’m just as eager to find out about it too, so give me the info.” She seemingly “pushed” her back and continued walking in total anticipation. [I think I meant “he”.]
“–He said the globe smashed into the window while he was opening it.” She said, after a moments hesitation.
“That’s bullshit. He wasn’t anywhere near the window the entire time. There’s about a dozen people who can testify that. He was teaching something and then kinda fell asleep and when his eyes opened he was bleeding.” [Nice that you noticed everything except for what he was teaching.]
“He was doing that earlier today too.” She pondered. [Out loud.] Benny instantly was serious; almost completely mistified.
“That’s really weird–do you think maybe this guy is beyond–” he started. [Beyond what?]
“Hey! Benny! Did you–find her?” [I don’t think I understood the use of dashes…] Samus’ deep and breathful voice called out from the woods. [Seriously? There was a mass search party for her?]
“Yeah, she’s right here,” he yelled back, “Call me tomorrow night.” Benny whispered to her.
“Okay,” was all she could say before Samus joined them at the front step.
“Where have you been?!” Samus’ worridly asked and then hugged her. [Throw out a freaking Amber alert, for goodness sakes! She was gone for what? An hour?]
“I went for a walk.” she replied, as they entered the building.
So, we don’t learn much more aside from the fact that everyone is afraid Lila is going to up and vanish, and that Lila can’t tell directions for shit. Next week is Chapter 7, the final chapter of this turd of a story. Stay tuned!