Horror-FAIL Friday returns with the latest episode in “My OLD Writing.” In the last two episodes, we’ve covered the first two chapters of a story that I started writing 12 years ago. As I wasn’t very good at finishing projects, I ended up abandoning this turd of a plot after seven chapters. Good news: you’ve still got five more chapters of barely coherent drivel ahead (and my observations/outrage in brackets alongside). So, let’s play catch up for those of you who want an idea of what’s going on…
Protagonist Lila is a junior at a prestigious photography school with fellow friends, Samus Martix, the man named after a female Nintendo character who’s just shy of being friends with Neo the One; Taylor, the only one we really haven’t met yet; and Benny J, who has the uncanny ability to grow his puny dreadlocks to the point where they interrupt his photography. Mysteriously not with them is their friend, Ross Stark of Winterfell who “lives by the sword”. A new science teacher with a snarky disposition and an inability to be on time for class, has all of these characters in a tizzy, namely Lila and Samus. Lila likes him…maybe a little too much. Samus, decidedly, doesn’t. While nothing horrifying or even the least bit supernatural has happened yet (save for Benny’s intelligent hair), I promise, things start to turn soon. Shall we dive in? Lets!
“So, what are you taking this year?” Taylor inquired, slowly walking to the indoor heated pool through the door by the gymnasium. Lila was backstroking across the pool in the 12 ft. section. [That is one deep indoor swimming pool!] She stopped at Taylor’s question and bobbed in the water. [Like a dumb teabag, seeping idiocy into the water around her.]
[Sorry. I really can’t stand these characters.]
“Eastern humanities, Biology III, College free writing [WHAT?], calculus, home economics IV [Oh…no…], French III, Black and White Photography Advanced, Color photography III, Still Life III, and Action Black and White Photography III.” [See? DUMB.] She listed, turning around and swiming like a butterfly [THEY DON’T SWIM] toward the shallow end.
“You’re taking Home Economics IV? I thought if you were a senior you could take that.” [Baking muffins like a BAMF!]
“Home Ec. III was too easy.” she said, reaching 8 ft. [“My sewing is already bitchin’.”]
“What do you think about that new science teacher, Mr. McFadden?” she asked Lila. “Do you think he’s too cute to be a teacher? Maybe too young?” [Unfortunately, this is exactly what teenagers think. Ugh.]
“Yeah. I’d say so. There’s something about him that annoys me though,” Lila said, and stood up at the end of the 5 ft. end. [Wait, hold the phone…you were flirting with him before! Are you annoyed at his not having any curtains?]
“Anything in particular?”
“No.” [….But…you…but…I don’t… Quoi?]
“Doesn’t he remind you of that guy on CSI?” Taylor said, walking out. [Who? Grissom?…But wait…remember who else was on CSI?]
“Taylor! He looks nothing like him! He doesn’t even act like him; unless he goes around examining dead people on the weekend.” [Woah. Okay. Take a step back, insane girl.] she said, trying to get her imagination to settle down.
“Good point. [No, it’s really not.] But he’s got an aura about him.” Taylor said, finally reaching the water level up to her shoulders. [Who are you? Madame Cleo now?]
“Oh! He’s got an aura now! What is it with you? You should become a romance movie director, talking about auras…” She trailed off. She walked toward the stairs and stepped out.
“Have you ever listened to yourself?” Taylor asked, stopping her swimming. Lila stared back at her scoffing and wrapped herself in a fuzzy white towel, her hair matted on her head.
“When will you ever listen to reason? He’s too old for me and for you, so drop your auras and television actor looks and tell me why you’re concerned with him?” [This is the weirdest argument. I don’t understand what’s going on.]
“Your one to talk! I think you’re more concerned than I am!” She fired back climbing out a ladder at the opposite end of the pool. [Meanwhile, the other people swimming in the pool were plagued by horrendous yelling as the two girls fought and screamed at each other for no reason what so ever.]
“Where’d you get a crazy idea like that?” Lila pretended the words meant nothing to her. Taylor climbed into the hot tub at the corner of the room and activated the bubbles.
“Benny. He mentioned you having some thing for a new teacher.”
“Benny? He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” she reassured, drying her damp hair. She wrapped it in a turban [I think I meant a towel] and walked over to Taylor.
“Benny says he got it from Sam.” [And Sam got it from Jared. And Jared got it from Dan. And Dan got it from…]
“Sam is always overreacting, you know that. No matter what seems to happen, he has to exagerate on it.” she lied. [She lied? He DOES overreact!]
“I believe him, Lila, this stuff has never happened before but I can’t see you not being a yes-woman.” [WHAT? WHAT? WHHHHHAAAAATTTT?] Taylor slid down, letting the bubbles massage her aching back.
“Thank you for the untimely truth.” she said, sarcastically turning on her heal for the door.
“Leaving so soon? The night is young.”
“Well, my night is one our older than yours and unlike you, I like to be on time for period one.” She shouted back. [I really can’t say “what” enough. I’m so confused.] A current of cool air swept over her as she stepped down the deserted hallway. A hint of chlorine hung in her hair and on her bathing suit.
The lights in the eastern wing, where the pool was, were switched off and all was silent. [But…why? Isn’t Taylor still in there?] Occasionally, faint television noises flittered out the bottem crack of the doors. An aqua rug padded her feet as she hit the tiled floor of the lobby. [Again, that sentence makes no sense.] She crossed quickly to the other side as her hair started to untwine. Reaching the other side, she slowed contemplating the [weird] discussion in the pool room.
What did she have against him? Nothing of course. The object of her friends knowing was enough to falter her confidence. True love really had never presented itself to her; she figured, “I’ll know Mr. Right when I meet him and so for right now, I’ll just go what what my heart leads me to.” [Waxing philosophical about your science teacher and true love in the dorm hall in the dark. All the makings of a bad fanfiction.]
She came to door 3413 [HOLY SHIT! How many doors are in this place?] and took out a shimmery key. The key fit into the lock with several little clicks and finally an black room showed itself. Apart from the shaft of hall lights [which were off last we knew…] the only other source was the cresent moon out her window, filtering down through the speckled veil of trees. But the light came on, instantly erasing the one outside.
“It’s been a rough day, huh, Angelo?” she smiled witheringly, closing the door placidly and gently taking a seat next to an orange striped cat who lay sprawled on her bed. The cat’s eyes were closed and he obviously was oblivious to any words Lila spoke. [Pets in the dorm… Usually that’s not okay…]
“You’re such a lazy cat. You don’t know how luck you’ve got it.” she stroked the silky marmalade coat and ascended to go to the bathroom. [Ascended? To a higher level of consciousness?]
She returned shortly, wearing yellow checkered pajama bottems with a matching top. [Eh…] It felt good to have warm water streaming down her face, washing away worries and mistakes of the day. They returned briefly at the thought of having to deal with them again the next day. She picked up a book of poems and read the first that seemed appealing.
Only having read that one, she closed the book and settled beneath the cottony covers, being sure to at first re-locate the feline. Angelo’s eyes slowly peeked open and with a scowl on his face, he sleepily moved to the foot of the bed and plopped down once again. [If I tried to do that with my cat, he’d rip my arm off. Known fact.] Lila rested her head on the cold yet soft pillow and stared down at her hands [under the covers?].
“Hands, get ready to roll the dice again.” [Wha? Huh?] She turned to the light and flicked the switch, immediately lighting the room with the blue lunar glow.
That was probably the most insipid chapter I’ve ever read. I’m not even sure what really happened. Certainly nothing that adds much to the plot. Just think, four more of these. What a joy.
Stay tuned for next week’s Horror-FAIL Friday!